Intermission: Overwhelmed

We are approaching the end of my series of posts on fatherhood.  I have a little more to share on that topic, but I must take a break from it tonight and change to a slightly different topic.


It has been interesting to write this blog over the last few years.  Part of my intent in writing has been to have a cathartic outlet.  I also thought that someone else might be interested in some of the things I needed to write and that I might benefit someone by my writing.


I have gone through periods where I had a lot to say (see my posts on our Kenya trip).  I have gone through times where I had nothing to say (see the period between November 2011 and March 2012).  I have recently had a lot on my mind that I wasn't ready to write about yet.


Tonight, some of that has erupted and I need to write this.


You may have picked up on some of the hints in previous posts that adoption has been on my mind.  It has actually been on my mind for several years, but the time wasn't right for our family until now.  Our family has indeed recently decided to pursue adoption and, barring failing our home study or being rejected by some governmental agency, we hope to add a child to our family sometime in the next year or so.  


Why am I just now writing about it?  Good question.  We needed to get far enough along in the process to figure out whether we qualified to adopt.  We needed to make a few decisions about how and when to proceed before we made our decision public.  I needed to internally process some of my thoughts before I could put them in writing.  


Why adopt?  Another good question.  There are a number of reasons.  Reason #1 for us is that we believe that this is God's plan for our family.  God makes it clear in scripture that care for the fatherless is important to Him.  

Exodus 22:22 "You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child."   

Deuteronomy 10:18a "He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow" 

Deuteronomy 24:19 “When you reap your harvest in your field and forget a sheaf in the field, you shall not go back to get it. It shall be for the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow, that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands. 

Deuteronomy 27:19 “‘Cursed be anyone who perverts the justice due to the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow.’ And all the people shall say, ‘Amen.’"

Job 31:18  (for from my youth the fatherless grew up with me as with a father, and from my mother's womb I guided the widow)

Psalm 68:5  Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.

Psalm 146:9 The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless, but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.Isaiah 1:17 learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause.

Adoption is a God-created process.  Christians who examine the scriptures will find that the entire plan of salvation is actually a plan for adoption.  God wants to adopt us and make us His children.  He wants His children to follow His example and become parents to the fatherless.

John 14:18 “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

Romans 8:15 For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!"

Romans 8:23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.

Romans 9:4 They are Israelites, and to them belong the adoption, the glory, the covenants, the giving of the law, the worship, and the promises.

Galatians 4:5 to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.

Ephesians 1:5 he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will

James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

 

So, what happened tonight that made me have to write?  Well, I was working on one of the required educational courses for adoption when I read a sample referral from the country from which we plan to adopt.  I know it was just a sample, but the referral stated that the child was discovered in a garden.  The child had been abandoned in the garden and was being bitten by ants.  The referral stated that the child was "lucky" to have been bitten by ants, and not by hyenas or other wild animals, as frequently happens to other abandoned children.  Keep in mind that this "sample referral" was intended for people who had already decided to adopt, not for those who were still trying to decide whether they would adopt.  This leads me to believe that this "sample" situation is not a sample at all.

I was overwhelmed by the thought.

As I said at the beginning of this post, I partially write as a catharsis.

Gifts of a Father's Presence

As promised, I am going to stop talking about all the bad things that happen when dads are not involved/present for their children and I will instead talk about all the great things that happen fathers do take an active role in the lives of their kids.  These positive effects are not just the inverse of the negative consequences when dads are absent.

Effects on Infants

Let's starts with infants.  Even in the first few days of life, the effect of a father's presence can be discerned.  Newborns will preferentially turn their heads to the voice of their fathers over the voices of other men.  Studies of premature infants show that those infants whose fathers visit the NICU more often tend to have better weight gain during the hospitalization and perform better on behavioral and social-developmental tests during the first 18 months of life.  Infants who demonstrate the most emotional security and attachment have fathers who are affectionate, who spend time with their children, and who have a positive attitude.  Keep in mind that these effects are happening long before the child can even walk and talk.

Effects on Mothers

What about mothers?  When fathers are involved, their children's mothers are more likely to start and continue breastfeeding.  Mothers with positive relationships with their children's fathers also demonstrate better parenting skill and fewer emotional difficulties.  Mothers who are feeling supported are more likely to encourage the fathers to be involved with the children.  So, dads, if you are supportive of mom, she will want you to be involved with your kids.  If you are not supportive, she will be more likely to discourage your involvement.

Early Childhood

Fathers can help reduce the likelihood of stranger anxiety in their children.  When left with a stranger, one-year-olds with involved fathers are less likely to cry.  They are also less likely to worry and less likely to disrupt the play of other kids.  Compared to those with less involved fathers, preschool children of involved fathers have been found to have higher cognitive development.  They also exhibit more empathy and have a greater sense of mastery over their environment than their peers with less involved dads.

Long-term Benefits

Children who live with both parents are more likely to finish high school, be economically self-sufficient, and be physically healthy.  Fathers have a unique and strong influence on their children's gender role development and serve as important role models for both boys and girls.  

"My dad is a Frito-Lay man. That is an important job because Frito-Lay means chips, which is food. That is so important because you could not live without food."
1st grader 
Entry from the National Center for Fathering’s Father of the Year Essay Contest

Discipline

Fathers who set appropriate limits for their children and who provide sufficient autonomy have children with higher academic achievement.  Fathers who discipline harshly and/or inconsistently have a negative impact on emotional and academic development

Educational Benefits

When dads are involved, kids tend to have improved educational outcomes.  Children of fathers who are involved in their children's education are more likely to achieve better grades, more likely to enjoy school, more likely to participate in extracurricular activities, and are less likely to have repeated a grade.

Canine Case Study:  UGA

UGA I

Since UGA I, the first in his family to go to college, nine generations of his descendants have entered the University of Georgia.  In order, those descendants are UGA II, UGA III, UGA IV, Otto, UGA V, UGA VI, UGA VII, Russ, and UGA VIII.  It is anticipated that UGA IX will soon join that glorious family tradition.

Clockwise from top left:  UGA II, UGA III, UGA IV, Otto, UGA V, UGA VI, UGAVII, UGA VIII, and Russ (center)

Additional Benefits

There are numerous other benefits that result from fathers who are involved.  Fathers who spend time alone with their kids and perform routine childcare at least twice a week raise the most compassionate adults.  Physical play with fathers promotes intellectual development and social competence.  Who would have thought that just wrestling and playing with dad would be such a big deal?

There are undoubtedly many other advantages that fathers create for their children when they remain involved. The benefits above are just the ones which have been shown in various research settings.  Fathers are capable of doing incredible good to their kids by staying involved in their lives.  Dads, you only have a few years with your kids at home.  Make the most of them and be their dad!  Perfection is not necessary.  Presence and participation are.

"Sometimes as a joke I'll put my stinky socks in his briefcase, so at work the next day he will think of me! He's always at the concerts and plays that I'm in, even though he lives about an hour away."
4th grader
Entry from the National Center for Fathering’s Father of the Year Essay Contest

Would Your Kids Kiss a Pig?

My last few posts have revolved around the effects that fathers have on their children.  More specifically, the discussion has revolved around what happens when fathers are absent from the child's life, either partially or fully.  So far, we have talked about how the absence of a father contributes to poverty, substance use and abuse, psychological and behavioral problems, poorer educational performance, and increased participation in criminal activities.  There are two more major categories to touch on today, then we will move on to the positive effects of father presence and involvement.  I focus on fathers, rather than mothers, because fathers are much more likely to be the absent parent.  Absent mothers have overlapping, but not identical, ill effects on their children.  Maximizing the involvement of the absent parent, when reasonably possible, helps mitigate the negative impact of the absence.

The topics today relate to sexual consequences and medical consequences when fathers are absent.  Children with an absent parent have been shown to be more likely to be perpetrators and victims of sexual abuse.  Data gathered on more than 1600 juvenile sex offenders in 30 states show that loss of a parental figure is a common characteristic of the offenders.  Teens from two-parent households have been found to be less likely to be sexually active.  Studies have shown that about 70% of teen pregnancies are to children of single parents.  As of 2004, approximately 40% of teen pregnancies ended in abortion.

Girls from father-absent homes tend to begin puberty earlier, have sex earlier, and have their first children earlier than girls from father-present homes.  According to a study conducted in the U.S. and New Zealand, the risk of increased sexual activity is greater the earlier in a girl's life that the father becomes absent.  Higher socioeconomic status does not protect the girl from these effects.

My dad is the best dad ever. 
I would kiss a pig for him.
-1st grader 
Entry from the National Center for Fathering’s Father of the Year Essay Contest

Fathers of children of teen mothers are more likely to be educationally unsuccessful and to have limited earning potential.  They have increased rates of substance use/abuse and have increased trouble with the law.  They do not tend to maintain long-term relationships with their children, perpetuating the cycle of absent fatherhood, though they are often very involved in the first few months of life.  These teen (usually) fathers do not provide much material support and tend to have increased numbers of sexual partners.

My own experience as a pediatrician has been consistent with these findings.  I have often found that the new teen father stays with the mom in the hospital (often insisting on sleeping in the hospital bed, which is intended to hold 1 adult, with the mom).  He tends to come to all the office visits for the first few months, then seems to disappear.  There are exceptions, of course, but this is certainly the norm.

There are also numerous medical consequences to children from father-absent homes.  Unmarried mothers are less likely to obtain prenatal care and are more likely to have a low birthweight baby.  Infant mortality rates are higher for unmarried mothers and teen mothers (roughly 50% higher for teens).  Sudden Infant Death Syndrome has also been shown to be more common in children of unmarried and teen mothers.  Asthma and obesity are both more likely in children of single mothers, and blood sugars are more poorly controlled in diabetic children of single mothers.

So, that pretty much wraps up the bad stuff.  Thanks for hanging with me through all of those depressing facts.  The upcoming posts will summarize the positive things that occur when a father is present and some practical ways that fathers can stay involved.  I don't know about you, but I am ready for some good news.

One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
- George Herbert (1651)